Suicide Note

Okay you caught me. This isn't really a suicide note. But fundamental change feels like death sometimes. On May 15th I will move away from what I've done for nearly 20 years and learn something new. My life as a software developer will be a thing of the past and within a few years I won't be able to go back to that familiar territory. Although I'm ready for this change I'm also feeling the inevitable angst one feels when facing one's own mortality. Don't worry, there's no chance of my checking out. I'm way too stubborn for that.

I spent a lot of years getting to Company X. I postponed vacations, avoided the wrong technologies and neglected my family. I spent years hurtling between cities in the big silver tube or driving too fast on roads through the desert. I could make it to Tucson from Temecula in 5 hours flat and worked all over the western U.S. Finally in 2004 I achieved my dream and went permanent at Company X, only to work for a manager with whom I had no synergy. People don't leave companies, they leave managers. So I did, and it was a lot like a divorce, messy and inconclusive. On Monday I start in a different type of position working with people I admire and trust. Hopefully the results will be worth the investment. Am I worth more on the open market now? Absolutely. Do I have regrets? God yes. Without being overly maudlin let me tell you about them so you don't make the same mistakes.

Regret is like blood running out of a wound, it cries out for healing and hurts like hell. You will remember your family and its cries for more quality time. You will mourn the loss of years in traffic and more in overtime. If your marriage collapses you will remember the warning signs you ignored and the lost chances for reconciliation. You will remember the many small decisions to abandon shared traditions and develop separate lives. You will wish you had taken the time to save what was precious and avoid what wasn't. You will remember absent friends and bad priorities. Ultimately you will recover and prosper. But you will do so at enormous expense. At the end of the day comes the reckoning, not to God but to yourself. Whether its all worth the cost is a personal decision. For me the jury is still out.

In Greek mythology the river Styx characterized death and crossing it was the great divide. For me this image is powerful, especially because Artaxerxes found his next life in the country on the other side. He said its the best of all and that's what I really want. But death is all about change and change is all about letting go. Zen tried to teach me that but I'm a poor student. Looking at another round of changes in middle age is a bit intimidating.

Thanks for listening...