The Chain Gang

Luna and I have been planning to learn how to cross-country ski for nearly two years but there was never enough snow till this year. At last the gods and goddesses have feuded enough to cover the mountains in a white sheet of chill and the Nordic centers opened their gates. So off we went to Steven's Pass for the long awaited weekend. Unfortunately like all great vision quests this one was destined to be quite different than we expected.

As we left Sequim and boarded the ferry in Kingston we checked off various items on our tasklist. Find a place for Monica? Check, she can terrorize Ashley's parents for a few days. Locate hotel? Check, Luna found a very reasonably priced room at the Sky River Inn, Skykomish, and I prepaid the bill. Tell them Jade and Luna sent you:) Rent equipment? The Nordic center is sure they have enough in stock to supply us. Snow chains? Sure, we got 'em. Roads? Clear, at least according to the best information available on the web...

Our spirits were high as we navigated the rainy freeways and grocery stores in Monroe. We arrived in Skykomish around 2:30 on Saturday and decided to wait till the next day to mount our ascent. After all, its the MLK holiday and we have extra time so there's no great hurry. Settling into the local tavern for a few beers and fish 'n chips was a nice way to spend the afternoon. A bottle of wine with dinner sealed the deal and we went to bed assured of success the next day. In the morning we ate a leisurely breakfast and loaded up the car for our adventure.

Turning around I noticed a large hook and ladder in the parking lot and smoke pouring out of our neighbor's room. Sirens announced the arrival of more equipment. Hmm, that's interesting. Should we take everything out of the hotel or is this just the fire department's idea of a good time? The owner of the Inn seemed like a straight shotter and assured me that this had never happened in 20 years. Apparently the fire started in a fan box and was quickly extinguished. For some reason I chose to believe him and we got into the car for our trip up the hill. Luna had made sandwiches and we had plenty of fluids for the day.

A few miles up the road we began to get concerned. I drive an all-wheel drive Subaru Outback and it sticks to the road like a chameleon so I wasn't too concerned. But Luna noted many drivers stopping to put on their chains. We had conflicting information as to whether my tires were traction tires or not, as it turns out they aren't. That came from the cop she insisted we flag down to ask for help after we tried installing the chains and experienced major "thwack-thwack-thwack" sounds along with the loss of some plastic trim on my car. Like any red blooded male I denied anything was wrong. After that I took the chains off to Luna's great consternation. Needless to say she has more common sense than I do. Off and on the chains went three times leading to the top. Our fingers were bloody but our spirits were generally bright. Well, less so as the day progressed. But our problems had just begun.

It took several hours to make the 20 mile trip between the hotel in Skykomish and the Nordic center. When we arrived there was a long line of cars which I joined expecting nothing but a parking spot. The lack of progress toward the front of the line was troubling, as was the young attendant who, with tremulous voice, explained that there were just too many people at Steven's that day and here was a free pass to try again another time. Hmm, so we're being turned away. Seems that Mt. Baker was closed this weekend due to avalanche danger and every skier in Washington State descended upon Steven's Pass. To add insult to injury they were using the Nordic center as overflow parking and most of the people ahead of us were taking trams to the main slopes to snowboard. We found out later that the busses were too full to pick them up and they got, well, a little upset. Like rioting upset. By then we had made the sensible decision to retreat to the tavern for copious doses of alcohol. At one point we were determined to snowshoe instead but Luna remembered (while I was peeing on a tree) that we didn't have the right shoes. They were left at the hotel. So we turned around and abandoned all hope.

As we drove downhill we were very careful, but not careful enough. At one spot I put on the brakes only to experience that awful sliding sensation that one feels immediately prior to an accident. Despite what I thought was enough following distance (ok, it wasn't) I rear ended a truck. Fortunately or unfortunately it was a mismatch and my car took the brunt of the damage. My front fender now has a clearly marked square indentation from his trailer hitch. His car, predictably, was undamaged. At least he didn't yell whiplash and sue. Relieved I pulled over and put on my chains for the fourth time. At this point my hands were punctured and bleeding, and I was silently counting my pennies for true studded traction tires before trying this nonsense again. We arrived at our hotel five hours after leaving. We had driven roughly 40 miles at an average speed of eight miles per hour. What a great time. Whoopee!

We went straight to the tavern and consumed two martinis. Luna was loving enough to lose a few games of pool and I felt better. We shared a French Dip sandwich at a restaurant and went back to our hotel for more wine and some good reading. Reading books is, for me at least, one of the most intimate things a couple can do. Especially after consuming a great deal of alcohol. We were undetermined as to our morning plans but left the option open to head up the hill again and dare the elements to stop us. In the morning my inner voices said "you idiot, forget this and go back to sleep". So we did. Luna was relieved. A few hours later I dropped her off at the ferry and headed home.

Tonight I made a Chili Relleno and drank a glass of champagne. What did I learn on our vision quest? Precious nothing. Basically I learned how to put on snow chains and little else. Except of course that vision quests are a waste of time.

Thanks for listening...